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trifko86 ::SUDAR - ON I ONA

Upoznali su se u subotu uvece u mracnom delu disko kluba i razmenili brojeve telefona. U ponedeljak ju je on nazvao i neformalno pozvao na kafu u utorak u 8 kod Konja. Spuštaju slušalicu...

ONA

28 i po sati pre sudara

* Zvao je, jebote, zvao je!!! Zove najbolju drugaricu i melju cetiri sata treba li ici kod frizera, kod pedikira, fakira, psihologa i na barem tri plasticne operacije.
* Urla na telefon od adrenalina sve dok je otac (koji od nje ne uspeva zaspati) ne pocne daviti krvavih ociju.
* Prica s mamom do tri ujutro o tome kako je tata dok joj je pevao serenadu u Malom Mokrom Lugu pokisnuo i dobio šarlah i još mnoštvo vrcavih porodicnih traceva.
* Noc provodi besano, hipnotizirajucim pogledom gledajuci u ormar ne bi li joj se 'ukazala' garderobna kombinacija.
* Ujutro D-dana odlazi u grad i kupuje potpuno novu odecu jer je zakljucila da ništa u ormaru nije dovoljno dobro.

10 sati pre sudara

* Šizi zbog podocnjaka (pobogu, otkud sad oni, a tako se zdravo hranim?!) i proverava šta joj fali od šminke.
* Trci do obližnje parfimerije po olovku za oci koja ce joj pasovati uz torbicu. Olovka je 3 cm veca od torbice pa je sakati caletovim kombinirkama i zasere nove krem pantalone koje su joj do te sekunde bile savršene. Ide po nove pantalone.
* Na putu kuci shvati da su joj ispucali vrhovi; placa frizerki duplo da je primi preko reda, a kad je vec upala, stavlja i farbu koja joj ide uz te pramenove.
* Kupuje usput i novi parfem, iako mu tete u radnji još nisu ni cenu napisale.

5 sati pre sudara

* Poeinje s donjim rubljem. Izazovno - ne. Otkaceno - ne. Postupak se ponavlja kao kod pasijansa, kada otvorite sve karte pa probate ponovo. Grudnjak joj ipak ne paše uz bluzu.
* Place i maskarom zasere pantalone. Poluluda uzima mamine iz njenog ormana.

3 sata pre sudara

* Pere se, depilira, šmirgla zube, kida desni. U kadi je 30 centimetara debeo sloj raznih soli, kiselina, lekovitog šljunka i izumrlih školjkaša.
* Cupa obrve, puši, uzima cigaretu sa pogrešne strane, psuje, grize na svaki pokušaj ulaska u kupatilo. Cale od muke piša u kriglu.

1 sat pre sudara

* Dobija menstruaciju i zasere pantalone. Skvici, frkce i skida s mame zadnje pantalone u stanu. Svi joj se micu sa puta jer seje smrt gore od sifiliticara-triperaša radikala sa hiper-gripom.

10 minuta pre sudara

* Poliva se miomirisima, trlja pazuhe mirisljavom jelkicom iz automobila i shvata da se zaflekala parfemom po pantalonama. Lupa glavom o volan i pokupi
tramvaj.

15 minuta posle termina

* Stiže na dogovoreno mesto. Ugleda ga i pomisli: 'O, Bože, kako je lep!!'



ON

3 sata pre sudara

* Gleda TV i cacka nos.
* Pokušava se setiti šta se dogovorio za veceras. Usred misaonih napora, nežno se gladeci po jajima, shvata da nije mlatio majmuna vec dva dana jer se u subotu tako zapio da je tek juce donekle došao sebi.
* Nakon drkanja se ipak seti da ga veceras ocekuje kafa s jednom od dve ženske od subote, kojima se ne može setiti ni face, a kamoli imena, ali je u nedelju našao broj nažvrljan na podlaktici.

2 sata pre sudara

* Odlazi gladan u kuhinju ceškajuci se po jajima, kad tamo na stolu cvarci, slanina i luk. Razmišlja dobre tri sekunde ima li se smisla žrtvovati, a onda fino posoli glavicu.
* Obilatu veceru zaliva sa dva piva i podriguje silinom osrednjeg nilskog konja, sve dok pobesnela keva ne uleti u kuhinju.
* Žica kevu 500 dinara. Keva ni ne pomišlja da mu da. Objašnjava kevi da ima novu ribu i da bi joj kupio neki cvetic i pokloncic. Keva ganuta vadi 640 dinara i pocne pricati kako joj je tata '56. doneo na sastanak pet ukradenih crvenih ruža, pa ju je hteo poljubiti, ali je došao vlasnik vrta s grabuljama, pa su morali bežati, pa jos od tada ima kurje oko.
* Ne docekavši kraj dobro poznate sage, beži mahnito iz stana do kafica. Kupuje pljugu i dva piva od kevine love te u kaficu odgleda kraj tekme.

Pola sata pre sudara

* Dolazi kuci i suocava se sa vecnom dilemom, tuširati se ili samo oprati jaja?
* Gleda skraceni snimak druge zonske lige zapad u malom fudbalu na pijesku za veterane invalide i zakljucuje kako ionako sutra ima mali fudbal, pa ce se znojiti te nema smisla da se ceo kvasi.
* Nevoljno ode zaprati kitu.
* Dok desnom rukom perucka onu stvar, levom uspešno ruši sve cetkice za zube u lavabo. To ocigledno užasne kevu koja je upravo došla da izvadi
veš iz mašine pa ukopana zbunjeno zuri u prizor pred sobom.

15 minuta pre sudara

* Sedi na krevetu, vadi carape ispod kreveta i njuši one koje još uvek mogu poslužiti... dok gace ipak ne mogu. Mogu jedino nekoj gatari i forenzicarima.
* Krece, ali na vratima mu se prisralo, a to se ne propušta.
* Grabi Sportske Novosti, ceška se, prducka i meditira sve do zadnje strane.

15 minuta nakon termina

* Dolazi na mesto sastanka igrajuci džepni bilijar. Ugleda je i pomisli: 'A, u kurac! To je ona s manjim sisama...'

Ovo sam danas dobio na mail..plakao sam od smeha na poslu...cela kancelarija se tresla....

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Stara fora, ali ovde su poceli niski udarci pa reko da dodam svoj doprinos:

zena = vreme * novac
vreme = novac
novac = sqrt(zlo) - novac je koren svog zla
zena = sqrt(zlo) * sqrt(zlo)
zena = sqrt(zlo)^2
zena = zlo

...cifre ne lazu...

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The University of life course for men...

A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in:
BECOMING A REAL MAN.
That's right, in just six terms you, too, can be a real man, as well as earn a degree.
Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule

MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas, Valentine's Day, etc.


Winter Schedule

MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response to Getting In At 4AM
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception
EAT 100 Get A Life, Learn To Cook
ECON 001A What's Hers Is Hers

Spring Schedule

MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like An Asshole When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers
ECON 001B What's Yours Is Half Hers (Must Pass ECON 001A)

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule

SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
MEN 201 How To Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
ELECTIVE (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule

MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest - You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise - Especially Naked
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important (1)

Spring Schedule

MEN 220 Omitting @&*%$#* From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging Is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays And Anniversaries Are Important (2)

Course Electives

EAT 101 Cooking With Quiche
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping And Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mother-in-Law
MEN 232 Appear To Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say, Yes Dear
ECON 001C Cheaper To Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001B)

Dopuna: 19 Okt 2005 14:20

Kako sam se samo smijala dok sam ovo citala, pa rekoh mozda ce i nekome ovdje biti smjesno:

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the
cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business
Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on
the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control
for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "
but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was
the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to
understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot
wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and
still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and
his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that
husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed
the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over,
touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The
sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers
that
he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down
the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball
of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's soooooo much cheaper. So,
I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. (I figure
this
guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep,"
the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use
a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...the husband then turned to his wife and asked,
"What?"


CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you
would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to
you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then
we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "
You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because
that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee. "Wife replies,
"No,
you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should
do
the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the
Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of
several
pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
on
a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew
she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his
wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Dopuna: 31 Jan 2006 17:07

How to Make a Woman Happy?

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

Now, that's not too hard. Is it?

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101 Reasons Why Fingers Are Better

You don't have to smile at them afterwards
You don't have to get out of bed to fetch them
They don't get tired before you do...
You always know where your fingers have been
For variety, you have ten to choose from
They are also useful *out* of bed
You can stop if you want to
Your fingers don't want to meet your family
Your fingers don't get jealous
Your fingers don't smell
Your fingers won't just fall asleep afterwards
Your fingers don't want you to meet *their* family
You don't get jealous of your fingers
Your fingers don't mind if you fall asleep afterwards
Your fingers won't let you down (Snowwhite)
Your fingers don't want to watch a football match instead
Your mother won't critisize your fingers
You can't get pregnant from your fingers
Your fingers don't need batteries
People aren't surprised to find you have them
Fingers don't need adaptors to covert American plugs to English ones (I've heard this can be a problem.)
They don't shrink afterwards (Snowwhite)
You always have them with you
You can chew on them when you are nervous (Snowwhite)
You can use more than 1 at a time
They are agile
They'll never leave you (Snowwhite)
You don't have to make your fingers coffee in the morning (Gideon)
You can also use them to clean the wax out of your ears (Gideon)
They want to when you want to
They don't take up half the bed at night
They are easy to clean
If the ones you are using get tired, you can switch to some of the others
They don't demand acrobatics in bed
They don't want to try out stuff they heard from friends
You can use them to try out stuff *you* heard from friends without worrying about it going horribly wrong
They don't look worried when *you* want acrobatics in bed
Your fingers don't give you bite-marks (Addition: unless you *like* bite-marks)
You can share them with a friend
Fingers don't cheat on you
Fingers don't have hidden wifes/girlfriends/husbands/boyfriends/children
Your fingers don't yelp when you give them bite marks
For variety you can paint them any colour you want?
It's not suspicious if you take them to the toilet with you
Since they come on 2 hands, you can use them on 2 places at the same time
They write your e-mail for you
You can use them for netsex when company is required
They're compatible with a wide range of leather goods and electrical appliances
No one ever fell in love with their fingers
They'll change the video channel for you
You can use them to write down your fantasy and share it with people
They won't ask: Am I the first?
You can type with them (although I'd rather like to see a man... *whistle*)
They won't be disgusted when you have your period
They don't snore, fart, burp or have smelly breath
They don't want you to swallow
They don't whistle after other, better-looking women or men
They don't care if your hair is a mess
You don't have to tell them how you'd like it
They don't brag how great they are
They don't cost you time, money or patience
They don't want to know where you were last eveing
Your friends don't criticise them
Their friends don't criticise you (fingers don't *have* friends)
Afterwards, they won't ask: 'Did you come?' (Eva T.)
They don't leave you to sleep in the wet spot (Eleni)
They don't mind if you scream 'oh yes, *METHOS*!!'
They're useful for scooping up nutella, chocolate, lube (take your pick) and smearing it in the appropriate places... (Claire)
Fingers don't ask who you are fantasizing about (Cher)
They don't have STDs (Mona)
Fingers are more sensitive to what you are feeling (LP)
Unlike zucchinis, you don't have to bring them to room temperature (tyree)
You won't be crushed underneath them in bed (Che & Wes)
They come in varing sizes - thumb to pinkie, or any combination thereof, it's up to you (Che & Wes)
There're extremely gentlemanly - they'll open doors for you, pull your chair out, and even cook you dinner! (Che & Wes)
They won't finish just before you reach orgasm (Eva T.)
You don't have to worry wether or not they wont come back after a goodnight (Jessy)

http://www.strangeplaces.net/weirdthings/fingers.html