Smešne i zanimljive slike,vicevi i fore na engleskom

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ABBOTT (behind the counter at: CompUSA): Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a my proposal. What
do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2. 3 & 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great, with what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1."
!
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W"?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping, you have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off??

ABBOTT: Click on "START".........

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A young man walked into a jeweller’s shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side. "I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.

The jeweller looked through his stock, and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique," the young man said. At that, the jeweller fetched his special stock from the safe. The girls' eyes sparkled, and the young man said that he would take it.

"How are you paying?"

"I'll pay by check but, of course, the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow. Then I'll pick up the ring on Monday," the young man suggested. The jeweller agreed.

Monday morning a very pissed off jeweller phoned the man.

"You idiot, you lied. There's no money in that account!"

"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?"

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A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.
They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop”.

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways".
Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.
The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted!

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I was having trouble with my computer, so I called the computer guy over to my desk. He clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
And he replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."

"What's an ID Ten T Error, in case I need to fix it again?"

He grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

I wrote: I D 1 0 T

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ruff_ryder ::Ovo ID Ten T kapiram, ali PEBKAC mi nesto ne ide
Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair

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Can't eat Beef, Mad cow....

Can't eat chicken. Bird flu

Can't eat eggs ... Salmonella

Can't eat fish ... heavy metals in the
waters has poisoned their meat

Can't eat fruits and veggies.... insecticides and herbicides

Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!

Remember - - -
"STRESSED"
spelled backwards is
"DESSERTS"

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ono sto sledi je komicni forward na koji se nisam nasmejala ....ali mi je ima pouku pa procitajte...bilo je slicnih, ali mislim da ide uz jucerasnje obelezije, kao i ono sutra.



A mother passing her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was made and everything was cleaned up. Then she saw an envelope on the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the letter and read it with trembling hands.

Dear Mom,
It is with great sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Dad.
I've been finding real passion with Ahmed, and he is so nice, even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion, Mom. I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
He wants to have many more children with me, and that's now one of my dreams, too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone, and we'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and Ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better. He sure deserves it! Don't worry about me, Mom. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back so you can get to
know your grandchildren.

Your daughter,
Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbors' house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life
than my report card, which is in the center drawer of my desk. I love you. Please call when it is safe to come home

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Ludo ali ima jako mnogo istine u tekstu.

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MENtal illness

MENstrual cramps

MENtal breakdown

MENopause

GUYnecologist .

AND

When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HISterectomy.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
this if for the women to brighten up your day.

this to all the men just to annoy you!

please take this as a joke! - zabava, humor, vicevi ;-)

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Ways To Confuse Santa Claus:


1) Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note
explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2) While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a
speeding ticket.

3) Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the
holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4) While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact
replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get
them to fly.

5) Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull
goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees
that big, red Santa suit!

6) Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding
signs that say "We hate Christmas, " and "Go away Santa."

7) Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus
called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a
loaf of bread on his way home.

8-)Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney.
Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9) While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon
as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have
missed that last payment, and take off.

10) Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out,
with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. " Leave another
plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk
in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. "

11) Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed.
When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say,
"Well, well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12) Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute
changes and corrections.

13) While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with
barbed wire.

14) Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's
sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And
he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15) Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include
a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16) Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa
to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from
a distance, he looked like a bear.

17) Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

1icon_cool.gif Cool Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's
in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like
you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

19) Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

20) Cut a big hole in your roof and cover it with a blanket, so that
when Santa tries to land on your roof his sleigh crashes into
your living room. Explain that you've been having problems with
termites.

21) Set up your living room to look like a workshop, and have people
dressed up like elves making toys. When Santa comes, sneer and say,
"What's the matter? Afraid of a little competition?"

22) While he's on the roof, yell up to Santa, asking if he'll mind
adjusting your TV antenna. When he does so, tell him, "That's good"
and don't let him move until the "commercial" comes on.

23) Put on a giant tree costume, and wear a sign that says,
"Man-eating Tree - Stay Back." When Santa comes, wave your
arms angrily and chase him back up the chimney.

24) Shovel all the snow off of your roof, and replace it with
whipped cream. Just when Santa is remarking how cute this is,
light a bunch of firerazbijacers and throw them onto the roof. The
explosions should make quite a mess, and maybe scare the
reindeer away, too. If so, offer to loan Santa your car.

25) Scatter the parts of a disassembled bicycle around your
living room. Get Santa to help you put it together.

26) Make your own stockings to hang over the fireplace. Have
pictures on them of things like Santa getting hit in the
head with a large rock, or Santa catching his beard on fire.

27) Put a note that says, "For Santa" on a can that's labelled
"Rat Poison." Cross out the words "Rat Poison" and write
"Yummy Cookies."

2Cool When Santa comes, act like you're wrapping Christmas presents.
Have boxes that say things on them like "Dead Elf" or "Human
Skull." If Santa asks, explain that they're for needy children.

29) Set up bowling pins in front of your fireplace. When Santa
comes down the chimney, throw the ball at him. Angrily tell
him to get out of your lane.

30) Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come, and
then put up your fists and say, "This neighborhood ain't big
enough for the both of us."