Smešne i zanimljive slike,vicevi i fore na engleskom

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A vampire joke
What's a vampire's favourite sport?
Batminton!


A werewolf joke
What do you call a werewolf that drinks too much?
A whino!


A witch joke
Where did the witch get her furniture?
From the ideal gnome exhibition!

A skeleton joke
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with!

A cannibal joke
What happened at the cannibal's wedding party?
They toasted the bride and groom!

A ghost joke
How can you tell if a corpse is angry?
It flips its lid!


A demon joke
What do demons have on holiday?
A devil of a time!

A Halloween joke
What do witches eat at Halloween?
Spooketti, halloweenies, devils food cake and booberry pie!

A vampire joke
What's Dracula's car called?
A mobile blood unit!


A werewolf joke
What do you call a hairy beast with clothes on?
A wear-wolf!


A witch joke
Why did the witch go over the mountain?
Because she couldn't go under it!


A skeleton joke
Why didn't the skeleton want to play football?
Because his heart wasn't in it!

A cannibal joke
Why was the cannibal looking peeky?
Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog!

A wizard joke
If a wizard was knocked out by Dracula in a fight what would he be?
Out for the count!

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Bill Gates and General Motors
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"


Baby Gates and Microsoft
For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time:
Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11pm. And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common?

1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party support.
2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.
3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help.
4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceeded them.
5. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year.
6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have produced one.
7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.
8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release.
9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work.
10. For at least the next year, they'll suck.

===============================================
My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.

Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told me never to wear her clothes again.
===============================================

You know you're a redneck when...
you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend and only come back with one gift.


This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?"
"No" replied the man, "I'm from Pensylvania." The bartender looks at him and syas "Well what do you do in Pensylvania?"

"I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bar tender and said "Well, I mount dead animals."

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!"



If Ever You're Choking...
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right,that 'hind-lick' maneuver works like a charm."



Gonna Marry
A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!"
Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table.

"There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours

• 2Ovo se svidja korisnicima: mcrule, Ghost of Sparta
  
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A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers' license It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

_________________________________________

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation. To improve their chances of having a real vacation, they decided not to wear anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying their drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead, gorgeous, blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

When she passed them,she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits - outfits so loud you could hear them coming before you even saw them. Once again, they settled down on the beach to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde came walking toward them. Again, she approached them and greeted them individually, said "Good morning Father," and walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it.

"Just a minute young lady," he said. "Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know: how in the world did you know we are priests?"

"Father,it's me, Sister Veronica."

---------------------------------------------

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine,
some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in
New York.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I
suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread
maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to
sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was
water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me,
"In the lake."

8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost
weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

------------------------------------------

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I fu***** didn't!"

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I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late. Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Mcft chairman, introduced myself, and said,
"Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."

"Yes?", asked Bill Gates.

"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting for a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say "Hi Tom?"

"Sure", said Mr. Gates.

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.

A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It Was Bill Gates. "Hi, Tom," he said. I replied, "Fuck off Bill, can't u see I'm in a meeting?

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1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several za-odrasle- movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you.

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uf ovo zadnje je bas krvavo

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.....while she..... read on!

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that
would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in
favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters,
explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and
asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then
adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling
fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well
he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband
continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping
out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer
ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no
pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

• 2Ovo se svidja korisnicima: mcrule, Ghost of Sparta
  
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A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''

And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''

Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.

He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''

And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!''

============================================
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says: "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 42 years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son asks, flabbergasted.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone: "Like HECK they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at her father: "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

============================================
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards razbijaced and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa.
Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you - where would you like me to put it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
============================================

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a
drink.

Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest,
meanest, biker in the face and says:
"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck
naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused,
because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma
and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says
nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the
shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa....... Go home,
you're drunk!"

==========================================

Dopuna: 14 Mar 2005 10:02

Airplane jokes
>
> After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
> sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
> mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, &
> then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it
> be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual
> maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots & the solutions
> recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major
> airline that has never had an accident.
> ----------------------------------------
> (P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
> (S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
> ------------------------------------------
> P: Something loose in cockpit.
> S: Something tightened in cockpit.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> S: Live bugs on back-order.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> S: Evidence removed.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> S: That's what they're for.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: IFF inoperative.
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Suspected razbijac in windshield.
> S: Suspect you're right.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Number 3 engine missing.
> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Target radar hums.
> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> S: Cat installed.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
> on something with a hammer.
> S: Took hammer away from midget

===================================

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff...

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch and has been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd become mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"sh!t" exclaimed the hypnotist.







It took three weeks to clean the seats in the theatre.

==================================

Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse: those that weren't curses were to say the least, rude.

Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things. Words and playing soft music...anything she could think of. Nothing worked.

She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace.

For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm and said:

"I'm very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior and I am sure it will never happen again."

Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

========================================

Oh John please don't touch me at all...!
Oh John please don't touch me at...!
Oh John please don't touch...!
Oh John please don't...!
Oh John please...!
Oh John..!
Oh......!!!!!!!!!!

========================================

THE INDIAN MOM

Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner...who lives with a girl roommate Sunita.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's, roommate was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates." About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,

Kumar



Kumar received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now.

Love,

Mom.

======================================

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.



On a Sears hairdryer — Do not use while sleeping.
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos — You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap — "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners — "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) — "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding — "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron — "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine — "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid — "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights — "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what?)

On Sainsbury's peanuts — "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts — "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume — "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company! . I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chain saw — "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."
(Oh my gosh...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

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Seven Stages of Sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex,
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex,
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self

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A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde.
"They're watch dogs!"
================
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
====================
Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
It swells at night.
================
Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her
husband's car?
She burned her lips on the tailpipe.