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Rules of Black Metal
1. Don't be gay; be "true".
2. All people who aren’t "true" are gay.
3. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
4. Break things while being grim and necro.
5. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
666. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
7. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you mean "burn".
8. Don't be Dani Filth.
9. Sodomize a virgin whore.
10. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its release... so it becomes 'cult'.
11. When in doubt, say "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"
12. Write for a cult, underground, grim and necro magazine. Feature only interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true" blackmetallers.
13. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than 15 adjectives in the title.
14. Don't make jokes.
15. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".
16. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have your "cult" LP won't get it.
17. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both "necro" and "grim".)
18. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case, make sure that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal is.
19. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".
20. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.
21. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
22. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the word "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
23. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still sound the same way it did 9 friggin years ago; never say "friggin".
24. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting someone "true"; if feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal Hails".
25. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
26. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".
27. Accept every interview you're offered...then pretend that you really don't enjoy being interviewed.
28. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
29. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smily: -(
30. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it! Amateurs...
31. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
32. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore 'true'.
33. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".
34. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.
35. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".
36. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.
37. Own cult-as-@#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven't even heard; use the phrase "cult-as-@#%$" whenever possible.
38. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish.)
39. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick up that makeup and fight, soldier!
40. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could've have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!
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