Stupid PC Job Titles

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Stupid PC Job Titles

Of course, there aren't lunch counters anymore; there are coffee houses as far as the eye can see, and they're manned by people called baristas. What the hell is a barista? Let's be honest, a barista is an over-educated, disillusioned slacker who pours your overpriced coffee.
It's not clear exactly when the coffee guy became a barista, but it's yet another example of how the political correctness of the '90s went too far. What started as a movement to promote equality and understanding just spun out of control. I'm all for letting people feel good about themselves, but the kind of self-importance implied by stupid PC job titles goes too far.
Sometimes you are what you are, and that's not such a bad thing. Now that we've got that one straight, let's get to work.

Secretary
PC title: Administrative assistant
You remember the secretary; she probably worked for your father. If she was really good at what she did (making coffee, answering the phone, and so on), she won the coveted title of "gal Friday."
I suppose we changed the title to throw the guys a bone on this one. After all, no guy wants to call himself a secretary. But I'm not so sure that administrative assistant is a step up. Now we have a job with an unclear description that is gender neutral. Is that really progress?
Better title: Coffee maker able to do light clerical work with a pleasant phone voice.

Prostitute
PC title: Sex surrogate
Here's the oldest of all old titles. I don't know what was wrong with prostitute. Sex surrogate is descriptive, don't get me wrong, but I'd rather be a prostitute. Sex surrogate sounds like a less-than-sexy backup plan.
Better title: A girlfriend working on an hourly rate who doesn't require dinner, flowers, foreplay, or talking about your day.
What happened to the good old clerk and the za-odrasle- star? Find out...

Clerk/Cashier
PC title: Sales associate/Customer service representative
There was a time when you could walk into a store and ask a clerk for help finding an item. Ask for a clerk today, and people will give you a blank expression.
In today's lexicon, the sales associate has replaced the clerk. The theory behind this is that clerk denotes a part-time job on the way to something better, but sales associate leads us to believe that it is a career. Ditto for the term customer service representative.
Are you kidding me? I'm sorry, but no matter how much they love their jobs, I just can't believe that their relationship with the local drugstore is anything more than it used to be.
Better title: Retail helper. I'd like to go back to clerk on this one, but I'll settle for retail helper. What do you do? "I'm a retail helper." "Perfect, tell me where I can find some aspirin."

Porn star
PC title: Adult film star
They aren't all stars, but hey, they're hot, so we were willing to cut them some slack on this one. But the real question is: What's wrong with "porn"? Nothing.
Plus, the term "adult film" is kind of confusing. For example: Saving Private Ryan, by some standards, is an adult film... a film for adults. Saving Ryan's Privates is za-odrasle-.
Better title: Failed actress or model, who met some interesting people and decided, "What the heck, I love sex, so I might as well get paid for it."

Personnel
PC title: Human resources (HR)
Remember Bill from Personnel? He was the guy who interviewed you, showed you around on your first day, and told you which secretaries were single.
Today Bill from Personnel is Bill from Human Resources. He basically does the same thing, but he gets to tell everyone that he's in HR, as if it's a field in and of itself, rather than a department that keeps the rest of the company going.
Better title: The guy who makes hiring decisions even though he probably isn't qualified to do his own job.

Janitor
PC title: Custodial worker
The janitor used to be that older guy you never saw because he worked at night making things clean and tidy. While you weren't looking, he came up with a new job title.
Well, he got the worker part right. But "custodial" makes it sound like he has custody of the building. True, he's responsible for the care of the facilities, but it's not like he owns the place.
Better title: Mop man. Think about it, who else uses a mop? And best of all, it sounds like a superhero name, which is nice because having a strong fantasy life is important if your job is to clean up after people all day.
Another nasty job and those stupid gender neutral titles

Garbage man
PC title: Waste removal engineer
I don't think there was anything wrong with garbage man, but maybe some people thought there was a stigma attached to the title.
This new title is all about self-importance. It's not waste, it's garbage. Waste is something you could have used, but chose not to. Garbage is something that you want far away from you. The word "removal" is just plain unnecessary, since it's clear that garbage shouldn't stick around. But engineer is what really goes too far. What kind of engineering is involved? None. You might as well call them waste removal accountants.
Better title: A person who doesn't have to shower before work.

Stewardess
PC title: Flight attendant
They used to be "sexy stews," according to Austin Powers. Today, they're flight attendants. It's too bad; when they made the title gender neutral and opened up the job to guys, it lost all its sex appeal.
Better title: Airborne peanut, pillow and soda dispenser who has no respect for guys who let their elbows hang out into the aisle.

Mailman
PC title: Letter carrier
Back in the day, this guy used to be about two things and two things only: being a man and bringing you your bills.
Today he's a letter carrier. Or, I should say, he/she is a letter carrier because we need to be PC. Here's the thing: I don't mind women bringing me my mail, but it's a man's job, because it's tough out there. Hello? Rain, sleet and snow!
Better title: Brave federal employee with the mental toughness to deal with an endless supply of mail and the physical stamina to run from fierce barking dogs.

Waitress
PC title: Server
Okay, server. I guess that's on point too. But why be gender neutral? We used to have waitresses, but we had waiters too. If you ask me, server is kind of a put-down for both of them.
Better title: A hot chick who, unlike your wife or girlfriend, won't second-guess your choice of a bacon cheeseburger, but will bring it to you with a smile in exchange for a nominal tip.

Fireman
PC title: Firefighter
He used to be a fireman because only men were allowed to do the job. Sexism? Not if you happen to be the 300-pound unconscious guy that a fireman is pulling out of a burning building.
However, the addition of the word "fighter" makes the job sound much tougher, which is nice but unnecessary. If fire is in your job title, we know you're tough.
Better title: Always-alert super-fast driver with excellent axe and hose skills.
More male/female jobs, and jobs that didn't exist before

Meter maid
PC title: Parking enforcer
There was a time when the only place women had in the police force was in the parking police. And only women were part of this special faction. But that's all changed.
Maid sounded too feminine, I guess, but enforcement goes way too far. We're talking about writing tickets. If they could lift up your car and toss it out of the way like a professional wrestler, I'd be the first one to call them enforcers.
Better title: Bill dispenser required to meet a monthly quota of tickets, no matter how minor the infraction.

Policeman
PC title: Law enforcement officer
Back in the day, you knew what they did and who they were. Simple.
So now women can be police officers. Fine. But law enforcement sounds like you're the judge and jury too. Slow down, officer. We just need you to bring the bad guys to the station; we've got other people to handle the rest.
Better title: Registered tough guy who isn't afraid to drive fast, shoot guns and use a baton.

Masseuse/masseur
PC title: Massage therapist
What's going on in this massage? Am I getting rubbed or am I getting therapy? Oh, the massage is therapeutic. Well, I hope so. After all, that's kind of the point.
Better title: A woman (hopefully) who has strong hands (but not man hands) and is able to help you relax.

Consultant
It seems like everyone is in consulting these days, which makes me wonder, who's actually doing the work??????
I suppose telling people how to work is better than actually doing their job.
Better title: An "idea man" who helps your boss save money by telling him that you spend a lot of "work time" reading junk


IT professional
It's information technology, IT for short. But couldn't we just say computers? And what's with this professional business? I sure hope they're pros. Nobody wants an amateur working on their network.
Better title:
The guy you call when a big, flashing error message pops up on your computer screen. He gets the job done and is kind enough not to mention that the file that corrupted the system was some za-odrasle- that you had downloaded.
Saying what’s right…

Being politically correct is all about giving everyone their due. That's fine. But somewhere along the line, we made the mistake of thinking that everyone was owed the same thing. Wrong. It's nice that you feel more important than you really are, but don't ask us to play along.
If you're not satisfied with your job title, either find a better job or retreat into a fantasy world. But don't tell me that I have to call you a distance server, when you're really a pizza guy. And honey, you aren't my domestic engineer. Here's the deal: I won't call you a housewife, if you'll at least let me tell the guys you're my old lady.